Butter

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...and on the 8th day, God said, let there be butter. And it was good.

“I love Love LOVE Butter! I love the sexy scent, I love what it does for my skin! I love how it keeps my body warm during the cold winter months!”

~ Michael Moore on butter

Butter is extracted straight from the nut of the western African Butter Tree fruit, and is considered by many to be the best thing since sliced bread and dancing midgets. The Story behind butter is a fascinating, cannibalistic tale of love, remorse, and most importantly, lemon poppyseed muffins.

Holiest of oleos

If you were to believe everything you read or hear in the media, you’d think that the pat of butter on your baked potato would take an immediate detour from your stomach and head straight to your aorta. Yet recent scientific studies show that butter's bad reputation is actually quite undeserved. It is important to remember that every cell in our body needs fat, and that butter can be a cornerstone of good health. Our brain and hormones rely on butter to function. Butter supports our immune system, fights disease, and protects our liver. Butter promotes clear skin and healthy hair, regulates our digestive system, and leaves us feeling sated after a meal. Butter is the body’s preferred fuel, providing us with more than twice the amount of energy as the same quantity of carbohydrates and protein. It also helps the body absorb nutrients like calcium and the essential vitamins M, I, L, and K.

Similar to Western religion's Cheese Jesus, Eastern religion worshippers have the sacred condiment Buddha Butter.

There is no such thing as too much butter.

The word butter comes from the term butterophagous, which means "booty-full" in Greek, and some scholars argue that this same word would serve as inspiration for the hit song Bootylicious. Through the centuries, butter has become so well liked, it can be a sin to eat it on certain days. During the Middle Ages it was one of the foods banned during Lent, so popes and people who liked butter on fast days had to buy special dispensations from the church, and the church used the money to build the "Butter Tower" of the Rouen Cathedral.

The ancient Hebrews referred to butter throughout the Old Testament, making the Bible the first major published documentation of the art of butter-making. Naturally, one would presume that in four thousand years there would have been considerable improvement in the manufacture of butter, although in reality it has remained unchanged for centuries. Butter is made by churning, plain and simple, and if you need to know more about the butter-making process you should probably go back to wikipedia.

Better butter uses

Butter is best used for all forms of massages, as it creates a frictionless surface allowing for the smoothest and most therapeutic deep tissue work. It is an excellent base for the addition of essential oils, and it is a key ingredient in the most reputable name-brand beauty products and soaps. Even so, the use of real butter in place of margarine and lard in household beauty produts has only recently gained popularity in the United States. Butter can also be used as a hair dressing to moisturize dry scalps and stimulate hair growth, as a pomade to help hold a hairstyle, or to lightly relax curls. You can even use it your car engine in place of motor oil for improved performance, plus you get to drive around all day with that fresh-baked smell!

We have recorded uses of butter as early as 2,000 years before Christ. Not only has it been regarded from time immemorial as a food fit for the gods, but its use appears to have been divinely recommended and its users promised certain immunities against evil. According to ancient references carved in stone and inscribed on cavern walls, butter was used not only in cooking, but in medicine, cosmetics and even sacrificial worship rituals. The most famous of these rituals (circa 1500 BC) is intended to be held in praise of butter, and includes a ritualistic throwing of the golden substance into fire. Here is an excerpt from the hymn that is chanted during the ceremony:

Who the hell puts butter on a...Wait a minute...This article is about butter! You goddamn hack artists, isn't this picture supposed to be on the mustard page?

"Tongue of the gods," "navel of immortality;"

We will proclaim the name of Butter.

These waves of Butter flow like gazelles before the hunter...

Spewing, the fire loves them and is satisfied.

Other uses

• Anti-wrinkle and stretch mark cream on the face and body
• Softening hands, elbows, the soles of the feet, and fortifying cuticles and nails
• Shoved directly into the nostrils as a nasal decongestant