Medusa
“I'm done with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' bitch!”
~ Samuel L. Jackson on Medusa
Perseus about to perform a very short back and sides on Medusa.
Medusa is a good example of what happens if you fall out with your personal stylist. Medusa learnt her lesson too late!
Origins of Medusa
You could say Medusa had a pretty rotten life all round. Whereas her sisters got eternal life - she was told she had to be 'the mortal one' - but would at least look drop dead gorgeous in the bargain. Medusa took this crumb of comfort and got a job looking after Athena's temple. Inside it had a huge statue of the supposed virgin goddess scratching her bare bum after a game of tennis - a saucy gift to Athena from Aphrodite. Surrounded with sexual innuendo - Medusa soon fell to her more basic urges and agreed to a quickie with a passing Greek God in the temple. However Athena - who had already installed a discreet CCTV in the temple - saw the whole romp on her Olympus Size HD screen!
Shampoo With Snakeoil
Medusa having an unruly snakelock hair day.
As often happens with people who have slept with Gods - Medusa now thought she had special powers and decided to become a full time model. Her uglier sisters Euryale and Stheno were hired as P.R.s and soon the local Greek papers like 'The Delphic Oracle' and 'Athens Democrat' chronicled the increasing diva like behavior of Medusa.
A new personal assistant was hired who promised to treat Medusa's bottle blonde roots. The woman (who was Athena in disguise) gave the luckless Medusa a good hair rinse and her equally ghastly sisters as well. Cleverly - using her godly spells - the transformation of Medusa's hair into snakes occurred at the New York Fashion show where she was modelling for Karl Lagerlout. In an instance an audience of fashion journalists , designers and Z list celebrities were turned into a sad collection of ugly statues.
We Want To Be Alone
Medusa and her sisters fled to somewhere less fashionable as they tried to work out how to undo Athena's spell. But walking around with a nest of vipers hissing and spitting wasn't going to help the sisters social life. They tried to become a singing trio - The Gorgon Sisters - but they found that audiences were very cold towards them - so the snake haired lovelies got to eating them instead if they didn't applaud enough. Unsurprising bookings dried up and the Gorgons headed off to an island to instead to prey on passing tourists on their motorboats and yachts.
Perseus Given a Task to Make Him A Hero
"Oh shit - I forgot to look away !" Despite Perseus's bare bollock heroics - he makes a
Bonobo !
Perseus - a surfer boy from Thebes - was by chance looking for a new job in Athens when he saw an advertisement that read : 'Wanted - A New Greek Hero'. Thinking - why not ?, Perseus applied and was hired by Athena who was still mad with Medusa. She asked him that he would be a very lucky Greek and would appear on the Pantheon News Channel if he could find Medusa and cut off her head. Perseus nodded and booked a flight to the Island of Death !
A Change of Plan
Perseus phoned Athena to say that Medusa had left The Gorgon Sisters and had changed her name to Madonna . She was now touring with Stone Dead Roses so Perseus reasoned the job was off and got a bar job serving his famous 'Persey Slammers' instead.
Athena Kicks His Big Fat Greek Arse
When she had heard that Perseus had chickened out of his mythological destiny - she flew down to the bar and using her famed wisdom - punched him through an open window. The reluctant hero agreed to forshorten Medusa as Athena asked.
"Go now Perseus ! - and bring me that bitch's head. I want it to be centre piece of my new dining room on Olympus."
She also gave him a flying horse called Pegasus , a pair of spring loaded sandals and the Underpants of Invisibility so that Perseus could sneak up on old snake hair undetected. Athena also gave him the handy 'Rough Guide to Mythological Monsters and Terrible Beasties' to read on the journey.
Say Goodnight Medusa
Using the inbuilt monster Sat-Nav installed on Pegasus's head - Perseus soon found himself in a run down housing estate and outside Medusa's seedy apartment. A row of stoney postmen and a the petrified Jehovah's Witness outside her door convinced Perseus he was at the right address.
Sneaking upstairs (and wearing his invisible underpants) - he found Medusa lying on her Emin Unmade Bed surrounded by sheep bones, Nikon Cameras and Amy Winehouse CDs. He looked down at her and saw that despite her green coloured skin and reptilian hairstyle - Medusa had once been quite a looker - like a lost extra on a Star Trek film. Anyway then Medusa's tiresome snakes smelt him and hissed so Perseus cut off her head left the crime scene for a gory edition of 'CSI:Classical Athens' to clear up.
Hello ? Naked Woman Chained to a Rock ??
"She's not my type. Does Andromeda have a sister ?"
Perseus flew over a naked young woman who had been chained to a rock . A table and chair and set up besides her with a menu that read : 'Main Course: Andromeda Followed by Snails'.
"Quick ! free me brave Greeky !!, " screamed Andromeda. "The Sea Monster has just gone off for a piss behind that rock ! I'll be your wife and hoover every day " - guessing correctly that as a hero - he would also be bone idle when it came to house work. Perseus could hear the belching , swearing monster coming and told her "Look away now if you don't want to know the result."
Perseus pulled out Medusa's bloody head and waved it at the Monster who promptly turned to a huge pile of stone turds.
Who's A Hero Now !
Andromeda's parents who had left her out for the creature came from around a projecting sea cliff and gave Perseus a huge party in celebration crying 'A Curse Has Been Lifted'. But when Perseus asked if he could now leave - the ungrateful party goers seized his Medusa head bag and had a fatal look. Andromeda cried so much to see all her folks changed into a messy rock gardenthat she asked the Gods to put her into the sky so that could moan up there instead for eternity. You can still see her today doing just that !
Where's My Head ?
Perseus got home and traded in all his heroic gifts in for a spanking new Ferrari. However he did keep the head - it was useful to get rid of other people he wasn't keen to see anymore. But Athena came knocking and took away Medusa's head and stuck it on her shield.
"Well what ever turns you on Athena, " said Perseus. "Now can I retire and wait for the myth makers to catch up and finish my story ? Do you fancy a 'Persey Slammer' as well - doesn't the hero get the girl in the end ??"
"Sorry Perseus..You lose " and with that Athena turned him into a well hung statue - the least she could do for the cheeky Greek hero . " Now at least you won't sully your myth in future. "
Moral of the Story
Pegasus left the heroic adventure business and retired to Rhodes to play night time beach volley ball instead.
Greek Gods are touchy bastards so if you are going to mock them - check if they have a sense of humour. Athena didn't have one and nor did Apollo. However Aphrodite was good for a giggle usually.
Her Special Powers
Medusa is supposed to have had the following powers:
- Turn you into stone if you look at her eyes.
- Went out shopping with a wooly hat on her head.
- Not going crazy with twenty snakes on the top of her head hissing all the time.
- Scaring her barber shitless.
- Hot in bed as long as you kept the lights off.
- Not a girl you want to bring home for mother.
- Useful if you fancied a pair of Stone Clad Jeans.
- Someone even Mick Jagger would not fancy trifling with.
Medusa: I have just left Amy Winehouse's place after a crackasmack party.
Footnotes
- Perseus was later sued by Medusa's sisters for killing a mythical monster without a license.
- Statues to Perseus lopping off Medusa's head in her seedy bedsit were later changed by the Greeks into a poetic cave.
- There is a lost play about Medusa by Euripides entitled 'Me and My Snakes'.
- Quotes come from Athena's own autobiography.
- Or that could just be another tall tale.
- Hesiod was out at lunch for that particular myth.
- A painting by my mum shows a similar theme.
- Plato said the same thing to Aristotle once.
