Life's Unanswerable Questions

Since the invention of the toilet, philosophers have theorised on and contemplated the unanswerable questions in life.

Since the birth of time, there have existed many questions which man has struggled to find the meaning for. Queries which Philosophers through the ages have endeavoured to search for the answer to. This is conclusive proof that there remain certain aspects of our world that mankind (or even womankind, for that matter, though it may come as a bit of a surprise) cannot begin to comprehend. We, as mere mortals have struggled to cope with the vastness of existence.

Even The Theory of everything has its flaws: it assumes people are naturally naive and liable to believe everything they read. However, nothing should be taken at face value, as those that destroyed all of their electrical appliances for fear of suffering at the hands of the Millennium Bug will testify.

They have remained unanswered. Until now. Contained on this page are the answers to some of those unanswerable questions in life, condensed into an Uncyclopedia article for ease of digestion.

==snitches get stiches

Why?

Quite possibly the biggest question of them all. Not physically big, but big philosophically. And the answer, you might ask? Well big questions like this need big answers. And I have the big answer to your big question: Aliens. Yes, you heard me right, aliens.

Because it just is that way

Chicken or the egg?

"Mr. Howard, do you prefer jam or butter on your toast?"

Some purport that the chicken would always come first in any race, as eggs generally don't have legs. One could assume someone could roll the egg along with a long stick, but then that would be cheating. Others think that chickens are too chicken to race with an egg anyway.

Experts have since determined, however, that at some point the chicken must have been laid first before the egg, and thus the egg came first. Some say fish invented eggs and only later they put chickens inside. The Bible said God put his other son in an eggshell and only after 1000000 years is the chicken born. Overwhelming egg arguments are also confirming that the egg come first.

On the other hand, scientists postulate that the chicken came first and they can be heard ending arguments over the matter with their official Chicken-Egg-Argument answer: "God just simply wouldn't sit on an egg. Get real." However, a group of eggologist argue that eggs can be heard from 726876436 eggboxes in Egglantis, saying, "God wouldn't sit on a chicken, for god's sake! You get real. Chickens are a sign of the seven deadly sin, hydrophobia, geography homework and Your mom."

Other prominent biologists argue that eggs cannot produce sperm, since they do not have the proper male organs. Others believe that eggs accumulated male organs through Darwinian Evolution, while others argue that eggs are intelligently designed to spawn penises in a million years. Others just ignore it.

It seems that it was the chicken which came first. At first chickens only reproduced only when a rooster fertalised the egg internally and give birth to their chicks. The chicken then evolved to still have the egg fertalised internally, but instead of the chick developing inside them, they would lay the egg and nurture it. The chicken came before the egg.

Additionally the researchers have found dinosaurs to have roamed the earth millions of years prior to the existence of chickens, thus actually producing a difinitive answer to the question "which came first? the chicken, or the egg?" well, the egg did since eggs were also around millions of years prior to the existence of chickens;however, if the question were changed to "which came first, the chicken, or the CHICKEN EGG?" that question is still being investigated.

Further reference

• Why the chicken crossed the road, F. Owl

"The truth of the matter is that one must contemplate the options..."

The chicken or the egg?

Some weird animal ate something weird, mutated, laid an egg, and in that egg a chicken popped out. The egg came 1st

Why does your toast always land butter side down?

Serves you right for being greedy and buttering both sides.

Attach a cat to the bread prior to buttering. Since cats always land on their feet, the bread is certain to land butter side up. Remember to unattach the cat before eating, however, or things could get messy. (Although you could do some breakfast time kitten huffing.) Also beware of using dogs, rats or manatees as a substitute for a cat, as they'll just eat your bread and your butter and you may starve. There is a possibility of contracting rabies. Attaching the cat, however, makes it impossible for it to land at all (due to the rules that the toast must land butter down and the cat must land on its feet conflicting), thus designing that which scientists have thus far failed to make - the anti-gravity machine. Or it could ultimately destroy all life as we know, which could be pretty bad, according to Scientesticle Tom Cruise.

Alternatively, don't butter your toast at all, for Mythbusters proved this reduces cancer, acne, and World of Warcraft addiction.

"Just answer the bloomin' question!"

Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

Many historians believe that Adolf Hitler stole them just before committing suicide and ascending to his rightful throne in Hell. However, seeing as the theory was invented by Dave the Wendy's guy after ingesting thrice the lethal amount of cocaine, it is doubted to be true, although the infamous writer Don Quixote has presented significantly substantial evidence to this theory.

Was it me? Maybe you? Couldn't be.....then who???

The wookies from Starwars did.

Is my glass half full or half empty?

Neither, if what happens at my local pub is anything to go by.

If my glass is half full, you'd better get me a refill. If it's half empty, you'd better not have spilled my pint.

“You startin'?”

~ Bloke in pub on His glass being half empty

your glass is neither half empty or half full, the glass is just twice the size it needs to be.

Why don't the people on Eastenders ever watch Telly?

Some say this is because they are stuck in the past. However the actual reasons are varied: some of them can't afford a television license as is typical of the poverty stricken East-end of London. Others in the show refuse to watch the rubbish acting the BBC pass off as soaps these days. This is perhaps the only part of the show that has a semblance of reality. I mean, have you seen television nowadays?

Talk about breaking the fourth wall.

And, for some reason they never go to the toilet, sneeze or do anything 'normal'. That's because there is no toilet. The actors live on a rickety wooden set with no roof and huddle together in the winter like sheep to keep warm. Occasionally, they are allowed the luxury of being allowed to venture out of their confines to attend such events as The National Soap Awards and public hangings. Many report not having been able to distinguish between the two.

And what the Hell is so good about Eastenders anyway?

It's not Neighbours. Nuff said.

also why do they never have washing machines on eastenders?

They cant afford a tv

Why did that guy who walked into a bar say "ow"?

As many people know, a bar is not meant for pain but rather for dealing with pain (or just getting completely shitfaced with a few good mates).Pyrospontaeioulogists, commonly referred to as firemen, speculate that perhaps the bar in question was on fire. Linguistas, or the Spanish speaking analysts of the english language, believe that guy might have been trying to communicate distress through a mouthful of nachos, or even "owl" . However neither of these possibilities, nor any others, could possibly be true, as bars are fireproof and nobody speaks spanish. The truth is, nobody knows.

Is mommy dead?

A1 No, she's just sleeping.

A2 Yes she is dead.

A3 H-h-h-how do you know!?!?!?!?!?

A4 Fuck you!

A5 No, she's not dead, you are.

A6 No, she is just having her heart and brain destabilise and defunctioned.

A7 Oh for christ sake, justforget about it!!!!!

A8 It is possible that she is a zombie.

Is there a God?

Is this photograph proof of God's existence?

No, because we're all going to die. Or should that be: yes, because we're all going to die?

There is the point of view that God exists, only in the form of the face of a popular fast food company. However this is just stupid: why would God have a mustache? You'd think his face would automatically shave itself.

The real answer is that Gods are like a London bus. You wait forever for one and a thousand come along. There are Gods of Earth and of wind, even of spontaneous combustion. The God of Gods, being the modern man that he is, allows humans the choice of which God to worship, be it St. Chav, the Almighty Big Brother or Gary Lineker. He also hoovers and irons on Wednesdays.

No, the real God is the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

So, who is this 'God of Gods'?

Nobody knows, though he is reported to be working on a building site in Cheam, to be living on an island with Elvis, to in fact be Eric Clapton, or even living in the form of Rolf Harris. This would explain the number of people that tune in to Animal Hospital each week: perhaps they are hoping for a televised judgment day, live from Anrich Veterinary Hospital, Wigan.

Further reference

• Works of Samuel Beckett, Beckett

You rot and worms eat you

Why are we really here?

SEX hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's The Big One. Not the rollercoaster at Blackpool or the fat guy that sits next to you on the bus, but the most asked question by philosophers and thinkers alike since man invented the toilet. No, not why Eric Cantona insists on wearing his collar upturned like he's about to put on a tie at any point during a match. Why the hell are we here? What is our purpose in life?

"When the seagulls fly over the trawler, by a sea of rusting Volvos, recycled Coca Cola bottles..."
Eric Cantona: just why?

Well, the only certain thing about life is death. Yeah, the reason we live is to die. But first, it seems, one has to experience cheese rolling, the thrill of running over a dead cat and pelting John Prescott with eggs before they have truly 'lived'. Alternatively you could just stay at home watching football and eating McDonalds every day. That works just as well.

For you see, life is all about making your own choices. Whether to go to work naked or in a chicken suit, to see what happens if you put a rat in the microwave, to poke your manager in the eye with a banana or a custard pie. You live and die by your decisions (or lack thereof, in the case of whether or not to ignore that 'live wires' sign).

And it's not as if anyone is arsed about you. You are just one, insignificant speck on the landscape, a dog hair in your lasagne, another brick in the wall. That is, unless you are a talentless nobody that just so happens to be the offspring of a mega-rich businessman, in which case you can do no wrong.

-The meaning of Life-
We're all here to do one thing. Reproduce. You're bodies designed to do it. You have all the things that make you reproduce, whether you're male or female. The only reason you're here is to carry on the human race. It's what every specie that's ever lived has done. Then you're offspring will reproduce; we're only here to reproduce. I suppose you could say that there's no point to life then. You have your childhood, puberty, get a good job; but eventually everything ends. It ends in death. The happyness is over and you feel nothing. Nobody knows what happens after death, but does it matter. You can't do anything, you're life is over. Everyone worries about death. When they're going to die, you see in the movies, all those people screaming they don't want to die. Nobody does. But it happens eventually, to everyone. And, although it's a scary prospect, it will happen to you and your children and their children, and very generation after that. That is the only reason to life. We come and go in the blink of time's eye. We have a tiny lifespan compared to time. Or do we? You hear scientists going on about how long ago things were. But what if they're wrong. What if, dinosaurs were really on this Earth for only a very short period of time before they're extinction. What if, Earth has only existed for, say, 100 years before dinosaurs were around. But then again, what if, Earth has been around for ever. The Bing Bang never happened, Earth's been around for uncountable years. Billions of billions of years, just floating around in space.
No one knows how long time has been, but the meaning of life is the one purpose of reproduction, to keep our specie alive. 

But the author digresses

The real meaning of life differs slightly according to one's social status.

• Working Class: Be Bumfight world champion by throwing bricks at everyone
• Middle Class: Get a fricking job. Punch that Robbie Williams square in the face in the square face. And to throw bricks at people better than them.
• Upper class: Get pissed, nick a trolley from Tescos, ride down the high street at 3AM and throw bricks working class people.

So, it seems everyone has particular things in common. We all secretly want to be a tramp and have a strange compulsion to hurl bricks at everybody.

Further reference

• The Answer to The Great Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything, D Cameron, 2005
• The Ultimate Question, Parmenides, March 3, 553 BC

In closing

"If pushed, I might say margarine, but only the low fat variety..."

Thus concludes this wade through the depths of human consciousness. But what's that I hear you think? This guide is not as conclusive as it might have been? What of the real solution to the Da Vinci code? Why can one never eat 100% of a Cadbury's Flake? And why does George Bush walk like he's holding two sheep under his arms? These things are sent to challenge us. After all, what is the meaning of existence without contemplation?

Oh, OK. It's alcohol chocolate running down Market Street naked whilst consuming a large cream cake in the rush hour, pursued by ten cops on rickety old bicycles.

Further reading

• The most asked question in the universe, Capitalus Unos, 1998
• Proof that everything on the Internet is true, A Einstein, 1965

Loneliness

xX mY bRoKeN hEaRt Xx (My_Night_mare_XoX) wrote, @ 2006-01-24 15:15:00

Current Mood: suicidal

Security: Protected

Current Music: My Chemical Romance

Dis moovie r0cks. Lullzzzz. "im so ronery."

Loneliness (for Victoria)

Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.

It is the feeling that no one loves me.

Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of my Teenaged Angst.

No one understands me.

No one loves me.

My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.

God, I hate them so much; the fakes.

The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care

All live in my iPod.

Note to self: Try this later.

Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?

I'm not.

Not since she left me.

I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,

or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.

It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.

She was so much better than the girl last week.

I let her draw Xs and cut lines on my wrists in sharpie.

They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.

They are tempting me.

School is such a waste.

This is how I'd look if my parents didn't suck!

We're supposed to learn about things that don't matter.

Who cares about poets and plays,

When the world has no meaning?

I can't wait to get my new glasses,

Although I don't need them at all.

That's why i stare at my computer screen all day.

My dad took away my razor set last weekend.

I hate him. He doesn't understand me.

The doctorss are still worried about my problems.

I hate them too. They don't care about people or saving lives.

A pair of kiddie scissors aren't sharp enough to cut. But they're all I have.

This sucks. These thirteen years have been a waste,

And I want to end it all now.

Abstract art

An example of abstract art or my puke, depending on the viewer.

Abstract art is an artistic movement started by bitter mathematicians that grew jealous of artists because the latter have been more popular with women throughout history. The works themselves are made of shape and colour based codes that can be decrypted using mathematics, usually translating to awkward jokes about impressionism and who Michelangelo slept with.

Structure

The Meaning of Five Minus Two (Study No. 3), Polack Pollock, 1960.

At first glance abstract art might lack any kind of logical pattern or recognisable form, but after a closer inspection conducted by someone with knowledge of the mathematics it is even more confusing. The code that is used in the making process is made of twenty-four different stages and several yet unknown trade secrets that have been passed on for generations. All forms of abstract works have to be placed under precise lighting. This can take days or weeks as the instructions are written in a trigonometric variation of regular binary and have to be read backwards.

History of Abstract

Although it cannot be clearly determined when exactly the movement begun, the earliest known practitioner has been said to be Muhammad, a former religious artifacts merchant and a self-pronounced prophet of Juda-Islam, also one of the best friends of Allah. Muhammad himself was not a very good mathematician or painter which made him a ridiculed outcast in both the artistic and scientific communities. He quickly abandoned his former passion and moved to Jabal Old-nun to pursue his new career as a quicksand gardener.

Trophy Room of the Castrating Female, Glacie Meltwater, 1968.

For the first millennium the abstract movement remained mostly in the east following the Pope's declaration of abstract to be the works of the Devil, who upon being interviewed on the subject claimed to have dyscalculia and no fingers to hold a paintbrush. After the fall of the Roman Empire, following the destruction of Death Star, the abstract movement fallout started to catch wind in the western mathematics, no longer blocked by the roman wind god. One of the most well-known pioneers of the 13th century, Fibonacci, himself stated he had been inspired by the well-known Greek mathematician Aristillus, specifically his painting Borg-cannon which has also been adapted into a film named El Topo.

Several changes have been made to the process of creating abstract art for the last two centuries, like the invention of fractals that caused many old paintings to collapse due to mathematical impossibilities often causing damage to the surroundings and making the air smell purple and rectangular for weeks. Similar and unfortunate accidents briefly outlawed abstract art. The issue was resolved after the royal math division of England developed an art-resistant metal casing for the remaining old paintings.

Since abstract art has been successful in the recent decades it is unknown wether it will continue to be a mathematicians-only movement or evolve into a shared art form, possibly shifting the jokes to be about athletes and Vaseline. One of the current rockstars in abstract, Stephen Hawking, recently published a book accompanied by a series of interviews about the future of the movement, stating that deep space will be the only option after the infamous Red Cross scam failed. This viewpoint is slowly gaining acceptance, but has not yet found the full support of the artistic community. There have been rumours about Muhammad making a comeback, but ever since his run-in with the Persian Gardening Committee in 1856 he has been missing and presumed dead, making the rumours difficult to confirm.

Criticism

The Persistance of Einstein, Dolly Salvador, 1958.

The Abstract Movement has been widely criticised for having double standards, since mocking artists through the medium of art itself contains irony which makes no sense, much like algebra. This comment made most mathematicians angry, leading them to claim that algebra is actually quite simple and easy to explain - unlike modern performance arts. Some critics also claim abstract art is about tax evasion, but rarely go into more detail for legal reasons.

Should you own abstract art?

Here Come the Kilroys, Lick X Steen, 1963.

Displaying abstract art in the home is subject to certain difficulties, not the least of which is determining the orientation of the painting. There are four basic possibilities, and it is suggested you consult a catalogue. The more avant-garde works might require a non-perpendicular orientation if you are to keep with the artist's intent. Also, some paintings were made to be hung face-to-the-wall as an expression of the painter's contempt for conventional forms of display. Some paintings are "living art" and are meant to be covered in feces and rotting fruit and left in the sun. Some are intended to be burned in public (performance art), but be careful that the artist did not intend it to be destroyed in complete secrecy.

New laws will likely be pass to ban all other art that art teachers find to be infeanar. If this law is passes then great works of art(which would peices of crap then) would, by law have to be destoyed and launched into schools.

Many people are portesting this movement saying that abstract art is the "crap", but these poeple are just teenagers, how don't know anything about art because they make things like the Mona Lisa.

If you purchased an abstract painting as an investment, it may be best to disregard the artist's intentions entirely. The best thing is to mount it on black velvet in a cheap frame and tell people you bought it in Tijuana.

Art That Looks Like Nothing

"A Spanish Sunset"

So you want to be an artist, but have absolutely no real credible talent in art? Join the club. You are absolutely sure you want to be an artist? Well okay then, I am going to let you in on a little secret that will get you into art without actually having to do anything. The secret is Art That Looks Like Nothing.

More commonly referred to as abstract, or modern artwork, among members of the club, so that the secret will never be revealed. It is actually very easy to make these "abstract" and "surreal" paintings, or sculptures, or whatever your medium of choice is. When you finish make sure you give it a trippy name, so that the critics will refer to it as either abstract or surreal, and thus, think it is brilliant.

History of Art That Looks Like Nothing

Art that looks like nothing developed as an icon of the 1930's, where poor people who suffered greatly from the great depression needed to find a way to make a quick dollar without putting forth much effort at all. After marketing their work under the title of abstract, or surreal, the poor families made a killing^[1]. Having found this new gold mine of salvation, art that looked like nothing began zooming into people's homes, giving them a great outlook on the bleak future, and giving America hope for a new beginning.

Death of Art That Looks Like Nothing, 1946

Following World War 2, many artists who produced art that looks like nothing during the war began to reap the benefits of the new economy. They made more money than they could have ever imagined. However this, unfortunately lead to the decline of art that looks like nothing. With the money being made by the second from sales of the magnificent art that looks like nothing, artists began to quit while they were ahead. They already had a steady pension plan coming in from the artwork they had already produced, and that money was theirs to keep, however if anyone caught on to their scheme, then they could face very hefty charges and fines. Thus, they left the market of Art that looks like nothing forever, or did they?

Rebirth of Art That Looks Like Nothing, 1979-Present

Following the Viet Nam War, people looked for the beautiful art that looks like nothing, but found that quantities were very slim, and prices had skyrocketed, leaving many homes without the beauty of this art. Seeing the exploiting that could be done from this new demand for art that looks like nothing, many new, young artists arose from the ashes of the fallen artists of art that looks like nothing, and begun producing art that looks like nothing at exceptional rates.

With this new birth of art that looks like nothing, many people made their lives complete by buying brand new art that looks like nothing, and even buying remakes of some of the classic art that looks like nothing. The ways of the new artists have continued to grow over the decades, and have reached impressive sales by the present time with many people learning the secret of the art that looks like nothing, art that looks like nothing has become one of the most world-renowned forms of art there is, and nobody suspects a thing!

Piet Mondrian's "Composition 10" the cornerstone of art that looks like nothing.

Piet Mondrian

Piet Mondrian is considered the father of art that looks like nothing. He began working on art that looks like nothing long before it became popular to do so in the 30s. Mondrian created a series of artworks that featured several black lines, and red, yellow, and blue boxes intertwined within the black lines. This set of art contained 13 pieces, which Mondrian created on one rainy Thursday afternoon in 1920.

Mondrian understood the way to sell his artwork, giving them names like "Composition 10^[2]", "Composition of Yellow, Blue, and Red", and "Composition II of Yellow, Blue, and Red", which were so outrageous that people couldn't help but spend hundreds of dollars on them.

Piet Mondrian continued putting out art that looks like nothing for years during the 1920s, up until his death in 1929, shortly before the boom in creation of art that looks like nothing in 1932. It is a true shame that he could not see what an influence his art that looks like nothing had on the future of art that looks like nothing.

Modern day artists of art that looks like nothing have paid their respects to Piet Mondrian, remaking his artwork, and selling it for their own gain, just as Mondrian would have wanted. You would be surprised at how much money remaking a bunch of black lines would bring in. That is why many aspiring artists of art that looks like nothing begin by remaking old popular Mondrian works.

Recent advances in the paintball field have allowed multiple colors to be used in one gun, making the use of a paintball gun much easier.

Your Palette

So you are sure you want to become an artist for art that looks like nothing? Okay then. The first thing you need to know is the tools that you should use. Art that looks like nothing can be made from almost anything you can possibly think of. Traditional art that looks like nothing has been created using a standard paintbrush, however with technological advances of time we are now able to use almost anything. Quick artwork has been made by repeated firing at a blank canvas with a random assortment of colors from a paintball gun, and that has become one of the most used forms of creation.

However if you are going to go the traditional way, and want to remake a Piet Mondrian masterpiece, you should probably go with the traditional paintbrush, however if you are strapped for time^[3] you could still use the paintball gun to make these paintings, besides, if it doesn't come out looking like a Mondrian masterpiece, you can always market it as your own work.

If you actually care about how good your art that looks like nothing looks, then you probably shouldn't have taken up making art that looks like nothing, however if you are hell-bent on becoming an artist that makes art that looks like nothing, but still want your work to look good, then you can always use a fine-tooth paintbrush^[4]. Other than that, you basically have free reign to test anything you want.

Now What

Well, now you can make your masterpieces. You have learned everything that there is to know about art that looks like nothing and its history, you are fully prepared to spend one rainy afternoon just sitting in your garage, shooting a blank canvas with a paintball gun. Honestly it is a great deal of fun, and it will make you a massive amount of money.

Contemporary art piece sells for £193000, worth more than man's life

29 June 2008

LONDON (where else?!) -- England. A piece of art by contemporary artist Darren Endsala was sold today at an auction at Sotheby's for the sum of £193,000. The piece, which is called 'This Took Me Five Minutes' was painted by Endsala in 1998, and the title refers to the composition of the art painting.

Endsala's painting

Endsala said at the sale: "Five minutes is a long time y'know. Some people take less than five minutes to create something as significant as a baby, you know...You know, four of the five minutes I spent thinking of the idea, half a minute was spent furiously looking about for some blank canvas and inks, and the remaining half-a-minute was spent between meditating on the genius of my new idea, and actually executing it."

As is becoming frequent in the art world these days, Robert Hughes, a conservative art critic, had sent Endsala an email six days before the auction protesting the piece's value as a piece of art. Endsala replied: "What would he know? Y'know?" He also sent a letter of protest to Sotheby's, demanding that they cancel the auction.

Meanwhile, on the same day, a man sold his entire life for £192,000, fetching a thousand pounds less than Endsala's piece. Ian Usher, a man from Darlington, England had sold the lot on eBay, and he was rather disappointed that the auction did not fetch more, as he had included some of his own friends in the auction.

Usher was informed of the sale of the art piece by reporters and was asked for comment: "I wonder what Robert Hughes would say about it?" was his indifferent response. The reporters, keen to press him for more only served to exasperate Usher, who told them to "Get an art!" The coincidence has led many self-appointed cultural critics to comment. The consensus has been that art would now seem to be more valued than life.

One critic, Giannisto Gramsci, an Italian intellectual remarked: "What we are seeing is a hegemony where art is worth more than the human being. The capitalist state is thus maintained by a complex procedure of life-devaluationment and art-glorificational consciousness". However, a close examination of the painting reveals Endsala's blatant anti-capitalism. Tarquin Tattersley, a prominent critic and AIDS campaigner, sensing that art is now officially more valuable than life, has said that the AIDS movement should change their official slogan to "Choose art".

Noah Aic, a professor of child psychology writes: "Perhaps we will see a shift in traditional family planning, as many parents may be more keen to produce pieces of art rather than babies. This auction may set a precedent. Family planning clinics may have to adapt to giving advice not on contraception or infertility but on conceptual art and impressionism instead."