Pope to appear in Girls Gone Wild film so Americans will know who he is

16 May 2008

VATICAN CITY, Italy -- It has been quite some time since the Pope (leader of some obscure religion apparently) made a visit to the United States. In that time, he has had time to reflect on his visit, and is apparently dismayed by the number of people who had no idea who he was.

In a photoshoot before appearing in the GGW project

A Vatican spokesperson says: "His Holiness was shocked to find himself frequently shoved by passing civilians. He was actually mugged on his way to Ground Zero in New York. Very few people knew who he was, and the only reason people cheered for him when he arrived in Washington DC was because they thought he was the man who played Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars films. Which I guess is understandable. Also, many people thought he was trick-or-treating despite the fact that Halloween was months ago. He was laden with quite a bit of candy, and found this very distressing. Although His Holiness did find the Mars Bars quite scrumptious."

The Pope has announced his wishes to make himself more known to the American public. He initially hoped to sign a deal with the makers of the Grand Theft Auto games. The deal would have made the Pope the main character of a spin off, Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City. However, before the deal was finalized, Grand Theft Auto IV was released, and the makers of the game were all lynched due to the incredible stupidity of the sequel.

The Pope's next move was to sign a deal with the makers of the Girls Gone Wild amateur porn films. The Vatican's spokesman explains: "The pope will not be appearing nude in this film, despite his magnificent breasts. No, he instead will give a sermon at the beginning of the film warning of the dangers of lust. After that, his sermon will be followed with two and a half hours of drunken girl-on-girl action! He'll become an instant celebrity. The only thing that could make him any more famous would be sleeping with Eliot Spitzer."

"This is a brilliant public relations move," says political analyst Justin Cyderhole, "It'll expose the pope to a whole new generation of people, most of whom have never heard of the Pope and think "the vatican" is a sexual position. Which, incidentally, it is, but that's not the point. Now, the Pope will show himself to people who normally wouldn't see him."

However, the producers of the Girls Gone Wild films are rather concerned about the Pope's appearance in the film. "He talks for nearly five minutes, which is clearly beyond the attention span of most young American men. I think it's a shitty idea myself. I mean, the pope leaves all his clothes on! ALL of them!"

Nobody has yet told the Pope that the video he's introducing is called Girls Gone Wild:Catholic Schoolgirl Slumber Party."