Life's Unanswerable Questions
Since the birth of time, there have existed many questions which man has struggled to find the meaning for. Queries which Philosophers through the ages have endeavoured to search for the answer to. This is conclusive proof that there remain certain aspects of our world that mankind (or even womankind, for that matter, though it may come as a bit of a surprise) cannot begin to comprehend. We, as mere mortals have struggled to cope with the vastness of existence.
Even The Theory of everything has its flaws: it assumes people are naturally naive and liable to believe everything they read. However, nothing should be taken at face value, as those that destroyed all of their electrical appliances for fear of suffering at the hands of the Millennium Bug will testify.
They have remained unanswered. Until now. Contained on this page are the answers to some of those unanswerable questions in life, condensed into an Uncyclopedia article for ease of digestion.
==snitches get stiches
Why?
Quite possibly the biggest question of them all. Not physically big, but big philosophically. And the answer, you might ask? Well big questions like this need big answers. And I have the big answer to your big question: Aliens. Yes, you heard me right, aliens.
Because it just is that way
Chicken or the egg?
Some purport that the chicken would always come first in any race, as eggs generally don't have legs. One could assume someone could roll the egg along with a long stick, but then that would be cheating. Others think that chickens are too chicken to race with an egg anyway.
Experts have since determined, however, that at some point the chicken must have been laid first before the egg, and thus the egg came first. Some say fish invented eggs and only later they put chickens inside. The Bible said God put his other son in an eggshell and only after 1000000 years is the chicken born. Overwhelming egg arguments are also confirming that the egg come first.
On the other hand, scientists postulate that the chicken came first and they can be heard ending arguments over the matter with their official Chicken-Egg-Argument answer: "God just simply wouldn't sit on an egg. Get real." However, a group of eggologist argue that eggs can be heard from 726876436 eggboxes in Egglantis, saying, "God wouldn't sit on a chicken, for god's sake! You get real. Chickens are a sign of the seven deadly sin, hydrophobia, geography homework and Your mom."
Other prominent biologists argue that eggs cannot produce sperm, since they do not have the proper male organs. Others believe that eggs accumulated male organs through Darwinian Evolution, while others argue that eggs are intelligently designed to spawn penises in a million years. Others just ignore it.
It seems that it was the chicken which came first. At first chickens only reproduced only when a rooster fertalised the egg internally and give birth to their chicks. The chicken then evolved to still have the egg fertalised internally, but instead of the chick developing inside them, they would lay the egg and nurture it. The chicken came before the egg.
Additionally the researchers have found dinosaurs to have roamed the earth millions of years prior to the existence of chickens, thus actually producing a difinitive answer to the question "which came first? the chicken, or the egg?" well, the egg did since eggs were also around millions of years prior to the existence of chickens;however, if the question were changed to "which came first, the chicken, or the CHICKEN EGG?" that question is still being investigated.
Further reference
- Why the chicken crossed the road, F. Owl
The chicken or the egg?
Some weird animal ate something weird, mutated, laid an egg, and in that egg a chicken popped out. The egg came 1st
Why does your toast always land butter side down?
Serves you right for being greedy and buttering both sides.
Attach a cat to the bread prior to buttering. Since cats always land on their feet, the bread is certain to land butter side up. Remember to unattach the cat before eating, however, or things could get messy. (Although you could do some breakfast time kitten huffing.) Also beware of using dogs, rats or manatees as a substitute for a cat, as they'll just eat your bread and your butter and you may starve. There is a possibility of contracting rabies. Attaching the cat, however, makes it impossible for it to land at all (due to the rules that the toast must land butter down and the cat must land on its feet conflicting), thus designing that which scientists have thus far failed to make - the anti-gravity machine. Or it could ultimately destroy all life as we know, which could be pretty bad, according to Scientesticle Tom Cruise.
Alternatively, don't butter your toast at all, for Mythbusters proved this reduces cancer, acne, and World of Warcraft addiction.
Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
Many historians believe that Adolf Hitler stole them just before committing suicide and ascending to his rightful throne in Hell. However, seeing as the theory was invented by Dave the Wendy's guy after ingesting thrice the lethal amount of cocaine, it is doubted to be true, although the infamous writer Don Quixote has presented significantly substantial evidence to this theory.
Was it me? Maybe you? Couldn't be.....then who???
The wookies from Starwars did.
Is my glass half full or half empty?
Neither, if what happens at my local pub is anything to go by.
If my glass is half full, you'd better get me a refill. If it's half empty, you'd better not have spilled my pint.
“You startin'?”
~ Bloke in pub on His glass being half empty
your glass is neither half empty or half full, the glass is just twice the size it needs to be.
Why don't the people on Eastenders ever watch Telly?
Some say this is because they are stuck in the past. However the actual reasons are varied: some of them can't afford a television license as is typical of the poverty stricken East-end of London. Others in the show refuse to watch the rubbish acting the BBC pass off as soaps these days. This is perhaps the only part of the show that has a semblance of reality. I mean, have you seen television nowadays?
Talk about breaking the fourth wall.
And, for some reason they never go to the toilet, sneeze or do anything 'normal'. That's because there is no toilet. The actors live on a rickety wooden set with no roof and huddle together in the winter like sheep to keep warm. Occasionally, they are allowed the luxury of being allowed to venture out of their confines to attend such events as The National Soap Awards and public hangings. Many report not having been able to distinguish between the two.
And what the Hell is so good about Eastenders anyway?
It's not Neighbours. Nuff said.
also why do they never have washing machines on eastenders?
They cant afford a tv
Why did that guy who walked into a bar say "ow"?
As many people know, a bar is not meant for pain but rather for dealing with pain (or just getting completely shitfaced with a few good mates).Pyrospontaeioulogists, commonly referred to as firemen, speculate that perhaps the bar in question was on fire. Linguistas, or the Spanish speaking analysts of the english language, believe that guy might have been trying to communicate distress through a mouthful of nachos, or even "owl" . However neither of these possibilities, nor any others, could possibly be true, as bars are fireproof and nobody speaks spanish. The truth is, nobody knows.
Is mommy dead?
A1 No, she's just sleeping.
A2 Yes she is dead.
A3 H-h-h-how do you know!?!?!?!?!?
A4 Fuck you!
A5 No, she's not dead, you are.
A6 No, she is just having her heart and brain destabilise and defunctioned.
A7 Oh for christ sake, justforget about it!!!!!
A8 It is possible that she is a zombie.
Is there a God?
No, because we're all going to die. Or should that be: yes, because we're all going to die?
There is the point of view that God exists, only in the form of the face of a popular fast food company. However this is just stupid: why would God have a mustache? You'd think his face would automatically shave itself.
The real answer is that Gods are like a London bus. You wait forever for one and a thousand come along. There are Gods of Earth and of wind, even of spontaneous combustion. The God of Gods, being the modern man that he is, allows humans the choice of which God to worship, be it St. Chav, the Almighty Big Brother or Gary Lineker. He also hoovers and irons on Wednesdays.
No, the real God is the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
So, who is this 'God of Gods'?
Nobody knows, though he is reported to be working on a building site in Cheam, to be living on an island with Elvis, to in fact be Eric Clapton, or even living in the form of Rolf Harris. This would explain the number of people that tune in to Animal Hospital each week: perhaps they are hoping for a televised judgment day, live from Anrich Veterinary Hospital, Wigan.
Further reference
- Works of Samuel Beckett, Beckett
You rot and worms eat you
Why are we really here?
SEX hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
It's The Big One. Not the rollercoaster at Blackpool or the fat guy that sits next to you on the bus, but the most asked question by philosophers and thinkers alike since man invented the toilet. No, not why Eric Cantona insists on wearing his collar upturned like he's about to put on a tie at any point during a match. Why the hell are we here? What is our purpose in life?
Eric Cantona: just why?
Well, the only certain thing about life is death. Yeah, the reason we live is to die. But first, it seems, one has to experience cheese rolling, the thrill of running over a dead cat and pelting John Prescott with eggs before they have truly 'lived'. Alternatively you could just stay at home watching football and eating McDonalds every day. That works just as well.
For you see, life is all about making your own choices. Whether to go to work naked or in a chicken suit, to see what happens if you put a rat in the microwave, to poke your manager in the eye with a banana or a custard pie. You live and die by your decisions (or lack thereof, in the case of whether or not to ignore that 'live wires' sign).
And it's not as if anyone is arsed about you. You are just one, insignificant speck on the landscape, a dog hair in your lasagne, another brick in the wall. That is, unless you are a talentless nobody that just so happens to be the offspring of a mega-rich businessman, in which case you can do no wrong.
-The meaning of Life-
We're all here to do one thing. Reproduce. You're bodies designed to do it. You have all the things that make you reproduce, whether you're male or female. The only reason you're here is to carry on the human race. It's what every specie that's ever lived has done. Then you're offspring will reproduce; we're only here to reproduce. I suppose you could say that there's no point to life then. You have your childhood, puberty, get a good job; but eventually everything ends. It ends in death. The happyness is over and you feel nothing. Nobody knows what happens after death, but does it matter. You can't do anything, you're life is over. Everyone worries about death. When they're going to die, you see in the movies, all those people screaming they don't want to die. Nobody does. But it happens eventually, to everyone. And, although it's a scary prospect, it will happen to you and your children and their children, and very generation after that. That is the only reason to life. We come and go in the blink of time's eye. We have a tiny lifespan compared to time. Or do we? You hear scientists going on about how long ago things were. But what if they're wrong. What if, dinosaurs were really on this Earth for only a very short period of time before they're extinction. What if, Earth has only existed for, say, 100 years before dinosaurs were around. But then again, what if, Earth has been around for ever. The Bing Bang never happened, Earth's been around for uncountable years. Billions of billions of years, just floating around in space.
No one knows how long time has been, but the meaning of life is the one purpose of reproduction, to keep our specie alive.
But the author digresses
The real meaning of life differs slightly according to one's social status.
- Working Class: Be Bumfight world champion by throwing bricks at everyone
- Middle Class:
Get a fricking job.Punch that Robbie Williamssquare in the facein the square face. And to throw bricks at people better than them. - Upper class: Get pissed, nick a trolley from Tescos, ride down the high street at 3AM and throw bricks working class people.
So, it seems everyone has particular things in common. We all secretly want to be a tramp and have a strange compulsion to hurl bricks at everybody.
Further reference
- The Answer to The Great Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything, D Cameron, 2005
- The Ultimate Question, Parmenides, March 3, 553 BC
In closing
Thus concludes this wade through the depths of human consciousness. But what's that I hear you think? This guide is not as conclusive as it might have been? What of the real solution to the Da Vinci code? Why can one never eat 100% of a Cadbury's Flake? And why does George Bush walk like he's holding two sheep under his arms? These things are sent to challenge us. After all, what is the meaning of existence without contemplation?
Oh, OK. It's alcohol chocolate running down Market Street naked whilst consuming a large cream cake in the rush hour, pursued by ten cops on rickety old bicycles.
Further reading
- The most asked question in the universe, Capitalus Unos, 1998
- Proof that everything on the Internet is true, A Einstein, 1965
No comments:
Post a Comment